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I finally feel like I’m getting back to my self. Things have been crazy. With my Health. And then other things keep getting in my way but I feel like the old me. Hope this last!!
So yesterday Was one of those days where my anxiety was so bad. My sister wanted to help me with the basement. And I have a panic attack. Because I know what I want to do down there. And I’m at a spot were I I am at a dead end. Were I want to go get tubs for the bigger things. And there’s other things that can be put into boxes but I don’t know really know tell I get to it. I’m working on it bit by bit. But I have higher priorities. That come before organizing that stuff.
So I told my sister. Nicely that I appreciate her offer but I don’t need any help at this time. And because I know what I have planned and that I see in my mind. And the fact that she’s hardly home and I’m the one that has to know where things are. And I had a panic attack because I has issues with people messing with my things are moving. It sounds crazy to have A panic attack over something like that. But when you have add/ADHD anxiety disorder Panic attack and have scoliosis. You can only do so much. And you have to prioritize. Definitely and do things differently than people that don’t have any issues.
So my mom tells me that she’s going to call the cops last night because I was just sticking up for myself and trying to express myself to my sister but she was just not understanding and being very rude. And having an attitude with which if you know you take things when you’re in the middle of an have a real bad anxiety attack and they’re not working trying to understand.
I really lost it when I kindly asked her to do the cat litter if she wanted to help me. Do something in the basement. So she freaked out on me and started saying stuff to my mom that I didn’t hear she was saying but I know she was saying stuff. That’s when I completely lost my shit. She would not hear me out. And just had a attitude about everything. My mom says she understands what I’m going through but yet when you asked if I took my medicine. That doesn’t help me either. If you suffer from the stuff you know you just take your medicine to avoid having feelings. But when you just have days when the medicine just doesn’t work and you’re pmsing.
And when your mother doesn’t step in to help explain to somebody that just doesn’t want to understand that’s what hurt me the most. She didn’t want to deal with it.
And when you have just started counseling and haven’t even seen the medication doctor yet and you’re trying your best to get through life. Medicine isn’t going to work in the day you have to try a lot of different things before you find something that works but when you have no support from family that don’t want to try and understand or here what you have to say. I’ve a family that doesn’t want to talk about your feelings. And if they do want to hear they just try and tell you things that might work but you know that no matter what they might say it’s not helpful and we know it’s not gonna work for you.
Sorry its it’s taking me a few day to give you all an update! But it went will! He came abut 2 and didn’t go tell after 6 pm
So my real dad what’s to be a part of my life. To be real I’m cool with that. But the thing is the timing is not the best. I have a lot on my plate. With medical issues and trying to get my Beach body business up and going. And on top of that I have thing I have to do day to day and I can’t have him just calling saying hay I’m off work and will like to come hang out.
That is fine and all but the thing is. With having ADHD any thing that offsets my schedule really fucks with me. I freak ou
t and I can’t function. Bc I am behind on everything and I can not get caught up. And it really does not help my anxiety at all. I get he what’s to make up for lost time. And I understand he feels bad that he has not been around. I get that but life is crazy. And I’m trying to find out what works for me. And it’s hard when I keep getting Road blocks.
I have a schedule that I like. And that has been working but I have not been on that set schedule due to will Health issues. And other things that just happen.
over the past few weeks my anxiety has been really bad. I have been able to manage it. But now I can’t. I’m on pills to help. It but it doesn’t last long. I’m takeing my medication right. But it just doesn’t seem to work to get me through the day.
This year is going to be bout me! Yes that may seem self-centered but if you can put to and to together this year has not been the best. For me. I do remember all what I have posted. I’ll post it this year we (my mom and I) yes I’m 25 and still at home. Mental issues are the reason why I’m still here long story about that.had a fulling out with my one sister who had a bady. Due to the baby’s dad. We haven’t got to see him since April. But a week before my dad went to the hospital on Black Friday to 2014. He had a blood clot. And was in and out of the hospital and rehab. Then to a nursing home so the hole bady dad thing came out at the worst time.
Yes life happens and shit like that happens. What messed me up was the baby thing. It not even far that they ( mainly my sister) is keeping us from him. ( not trying to Point fingers or say I’m batter or what not but that’s not the point) she isn’t even sticking up for us or for the baby. I understand that this situation with my sister and the baby dad there are a lot of issues like that. But what it comes down to is. We had him all most every day. That thing I’m bitching bc in not. With my sister going to school and working and him will that’s a hole other thing.
But! I’m am so happy that I got to spend his 1st year with him. I love that baby. A lot. And it was killing me not to act up and call I’m out on what he was doing to the baby. And is painfull tho I know it needed to be done it just killing me inside and fucked me up. But I do see the sun. The it’s not yellow(idk what could) and I need to stop being sad and getting me upset. So I’m going to say what’s on my mind. And do or say thing that I fe the need
The up side is I’m working out and. It’s helping get me back to me.
Ok yes it 3 am and I’m just in my basement walking because will A)its 3am and B) it’s Ohio and the weather is will just Ohio. If you could give us a mental disorder then Ohio is bipolar
** disclosure mental disorders are not a joke. I for one have adhd/add so I know what it’s like****
But tonight I have had writing juices flowing. And I like it. I like the fact I get a two for one. Out of this who thing. I am not one for a lo of words. Because my mind is running all over the place or I just don’t feel like getting out of bed. Or I just don’t know what to say!
Wow I truly can not believe the new! I was out to eat and headed to Family dollar to get me something’s with my mom. And I got a notification on my phone from my News Chanel 5 app ( NE Ohio’s ABC) bout him popped up,I seen/read (the headline) (the link is from the Huffington post but I seen it in Bing) something last week or a few weeks ago ( don’t remember) about him in rehab. ( as I just got done typing with that last sentence,Fox news sad it.) once we got to Family dollar open the app and was blown away on what I was reading. He had “suspected suicide”
I grew up with his movies. Like all the Aladdin movies, Mrs Doubtfire,Jumanji, Jack,Flubber,Bicentennial man. Just to name a few! I can go on and on of the moives of his I love. The sad thing is he has 5 movies coming out yet this year. Boulevard, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn , Merry Friggin’ Christmas , Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb, Absolutely Anything . I loved the The Crazy Ones. that was on CBS this past Winter (2013-2014). that was the tv show I got to see him in. I forget were I seen that they were planning on making a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire. on Christian today site, they are saying its “likely to be cancelled”.The roles he played were soo good. he became the roles.Like in the Aladdin movies, to me it seemed. to love playing that role. Bicentennial man was so moving. I can go on and on.
What more can I say. I had some more Bullet on him but its 4:10 am. and I need to get to bed.But before I go just keep he’s family. in your prays. and I hope he no longer is in pain. We will know more as the days go on. On the whos whats and were.