I finally feel like I’m getting back to my self. Things have been crazy. With my Health. And then other things keep getting in my way but I feel like the old me. Hope this last!!
So yesterday Was one of those days where my anxiety was so bad. My sister wanted to help me with the basement. And I have a panic attack. Because I know what I want to do down there. And I’m at a spot were I I am at a dead end. Were I want to go get tubs for the bigger things. And there’s other things that can be put into boxes but I don’t know really know tell I get to it. I’m working on it bit by bit. But I have higher priorities. That come before organizing that stuff.
So I told my sister. Nicely that I appreciate her offer but I don’t need any help at this time. And because I know what I have planned and that I see in my mind. And the fact that she’s hardly home and I’m the one that has to know where things are. And I had a panic attack because I has issues with people messing with my things are moving. It sounds crazy to have A panic attack over something like that. But when you have add/ADHD anxiety disorder Panic attack and have scoliosis. You can only do so much. And you have to prioritize. Definitely and do things differently than people that don’t have any issues.
So my mom tells me that she’s going to call the cops last night because I was just sticking up for myself and trying to express myself to my sister but she was just not understanding and being very rude. And having an attitude with which if you know you take things when you’re in the middle of an have a real bad anxiety attack and they’re not working trying to understand.
I really lost it when I kindly asked her to do the cat litter if she wanted to help me. Do something in the basement. So she freaked out on me and started saying stuff to my mom that I didn’t hear she was saying but I know she was saying stuff. That’s when I completely lost my shit. She would not hear me out. And just had a attitude about everything. My mom says she understands what I’m going through but yet when you asked if I took my medicine. That doesn’t help me either. If you suffer from the stuff you know you just take your medicine to avoid having feelings. But when you just have days when the medicine just doesn’t work and you’re pmsing.
And when your mother doesn’t step in to help explain to somebody that just doesn’t want to understand that’s what hurt me the most. She didn’t want to deal with it.
And when you have just started counseling and haven’t even seen the medication doctor yet and you’re trying your best to get through life. Medicine isn’t going to work in the day you have to try a lot of different things before you find something that works but when you have no support from family that don’t want to try and understand or here what you have to say. I’ve a family that doesn’t want to talk about your feelings. And if they do want to hear they just try and tell you things that might work but you know that no matter what they might say it’s not helpful and we know it’s not gonna work for you.
Sorry its it’s taking me a few day to give you all an update! But it went will! He came abut 2 and didn’t go tell after 6 pm
So my real dad what’s to be a part of my life. To be real I’m cool with that. But the thing is the timing is not the best. I have a lot on my plate. With medical issues and trying to get my Beach body business up and going. And on top of that I have thing I have to do day to day and I can’t have him just calling saying hay I’m off work and will like to come hang out.
That is fine and all but the thing is. With having ADHD any thing that offsets my schedule really fucks with me. I freak ou
t and I can’t function. Bc I am behind on everything and I can not get caught up. And it really does not help my anxiety at all. I get he what’s to make up for lost time. And I understand he feels bad that he has not been around. I get that but life is crazy. And I’m trying to find out what works for me. And it’s hard when I keep getting Road blocks.
I have a schedule that I like. And that has been working but I have not been on that set schedule due to will Health issues. And other things that just happen.
This year is going to be bout me! Yes that may seem self-centered but if you can put to and to together this year has not been the best. For me. I do remember all what I have posted. I’ll post it this year we (my mom and I) yes I’m 25 and still at home. Mental issues are the reason why I’m still here long story about that.had a fulling out with my one sister who had a bady. Due to the baby’s dad. We haven’t got to see him since April. But a week before my dad went to the hospital on Black Friday to 2014. He had a blood clot. And was in and out of the hospital and rehab. Then to a nursing home so the hole bady dad thing came out at the worst time.
Yes life happens and shit like that happens. What messed me up was the baby thing. It not even far that they ( mainly my sister) is keeping us from him. ( not trying to Point fingers or say I’m batter or what not but that’s not the point) she isn’t even sticking up for us or for the baby. I understand that this situation with my sister and the baby dad there are a lot of issues like that. But what it comes down to is. We had him all most every day. That thing I’m bitching bc in not. With my sister going to school and working and him will that’s a hole other thing.
But! I’m am so happy that I got to spend his 1st year with him. I love that baby. A lot. And it was killing me not to act up and call I’m out on what he was doing to the baby. And is painfull tho I know it needed to be done it just killing me inside and fucked me up. But I do see the sun. The it’s not yellow(idk what could) and I need to stop being sad and getting me upset. So I’m going to say what’s on my mind. And do or say thing that I fe the need
The up side is I’m working out and. It’s helping get me back to me.
Ok ok the title is generic but it going to be. We all have years that are fabulous days that are fabulous weeks that are fabulous month. Others are just num. 2013 I thought that was an ugly year with a close friend passing away to a few weeks/month me getting in a car accident. ( if you know the story with the friend then you know that story). The only up side to that whole year was the birth of my nephew. The only up side to that whole year was the birth of my nephew. That will be the down fall of 2014
If there is one thing to know about me is one idk what you what to call it but I’m calling it a pet peeve. I don’t like the number 3,6,or9. But they are just bad or ugly numbers. Will 2013 was an ok year.
Then comes 2014. Come April ( more like good/not so good Friday) IM NOT GOING TO GET IN TO IT ALL BC FOR THE ONES THAT KNEW EACH STORY YOU KNOW YOU. AND I THINK YOU ALL FOR ALLOWING ME TO JUST TALK. IT HAS HELP ME GET THROUGH IT ALL.
I don’t know why God does things or throws a lot of unfortunate (if you what to cal it that) things to happen back to back or unfold life they did. Granted when it come to most things with me it’s hard for me to process/ deal with thing / things change in my life that I have no Control over. Due to my add/ADHD. I just can’t handle it. I work hard to not that get in my way. I can go on and on about me having to do things in my kind of way but I’m not.
With this new year. I need to get back in reality. And find a new way to go in life. I have put up wall the past few months and I just got to get back.
One of the biggest things I will be doing this year is losing weight. Though I don’t look like it but I am overweight. Not a lot but I’d have to say 10-20 pounds overweight then I need to. And with my scoliosis. But body is not num. my goal for this year is to be at 140 tho it’s still maybe 10-20 pounds over then someone my sizes needs to be.
The program I’m useing is beachbody. And the programs they have. I know it work. I know two people that have been useing it lots a few and they both look super good. So if they can do it with being parents and having jobs then I can lose the weight two and I don’t have kids. It’s going to be a good year.
Life is unkind sometimes. And I know God doesn’t throw creep at you that he thanks you can not handle. And I know/ knew this. But I have to (have been ) moving on. And I believe the hard part is over. And I need to focus on me and just keep praying. I know working out will help with a lot of it.
I’m hope you all have a good year. It’s hard to believe that it’s 2015! It sometimes still feels like the 90s. It’s mind blowing that it’s been over 15/16 years. Be a batter you.
So I haven’t posted a lot of artwork lately because we been in the process of redoing my basement which is my office and I have everything everywhere and all different places every way and until we get everything back in order. I feel like I can’t do anything productive. And I’m just sitting here looking at the wall and where my office is where all the pipes for the house. This house is really old. I wouldn’t say really old but it’s 50 some years old. My grandparents a.k.a. my mom and dad built this house. And it still I think have all original waterline and drainage. And there’s some major repairs that need to be done but we just don’t have the money.
But the guys that are coming to do the basement had a emergency call that they had to go take. These people are restoration team. So we got put on the back burner. Which blows but at the same time okay because I have all my art stuff and office things. In the place that they really need to focus on. And other than be taken some three big things out of the basement. That we just need to get rid of or sell or get somebody to look at. So I’ve been trying to organize all my stuff. Which I’m kind of proud of myself because I got most of it done last week. And I’m almost done getting the major parts but now it’s to the point where I can’t open spaces where I had shelves.
And all I want to do is rearrange my desk and put it somewhere. But by the time I do that ,they call or my mom would call them back. I think my mom at the same time calling them because she’s getting a new bed for her room because my dad is in a nursing home. And she cannot sleep in the bed that they have so she got up hospital. So we been slowly trying to get her room cleaned up. And her old bed taking down. It’s one of those waterbed frames. So I think that’s why she’s holding off. Which is nice! Because It gives me give little more time. Just to do random things in the basement.
I’m at the point were there is nothing I can do. With any of the shit that is going on. I feel helpless,sad,can’t do anything. I what to say I give up but I’m not ready to give up yet. I know I have a lot of fight in me. But I don’t know how.
Yes!! i just need to ran away and get out of my mind.. not be me any more. or being this mess. I miss my sister and I so miss the baby. I just don’t feel me any more and I feel like I cant deal any longer. when its to shit like this no bigg but the fact that I love that kid more then anything. the fact that this guy that she is with can man up and deal with the fact… we said sorry what the hell else is it going to take.. getting a lawyer so we can see the baby bc that’s all we what is to see the baby..
if your reading this and have no clue whats going on sorry.but you can get the just of it all. this is one fucked up thing that has come to light and I don’t understand why god is letting this happen. I pray and I good. why cant he just give me this one. he knows im at the end of my mind and I cant deal with the feelings any more. all I do any more is cry. and im not one to cry. I deal with the shit. and get over it. but when I may just be ok with it she calls or text or something and it just all over and then some..
So with everything happen I just what to go far away from it all. I feel like I’m going mad. My dad is no longer coming home. My one sister has a ass hole baby daddy. He will not let is see the baby. Even after my mom called him to make things right. Then you have my aunt that try’s to run are life. When she can’t even deal with her life. Then you have my baby sister she’s a know it all. And run are life. She a whole other story.
I just what my life back the way if was. I miss the sister I use to know before this ass hole. I miss the baby so Mach. I can’t deal with all of this at once.
So I’m just now getting ready to go to bed. And as I was getting something small to eat. My moms phone rings. When your phone rings at 4am it’s not a real good thing. It was my dad.
He didn’t know what time it is.he asked if my mom was bz. And will if my bz you mean it’s 4am and she was sleeping (she really wasn’t) ( she wasn’t able to sleep any how)